don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize