tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
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I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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