God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
