So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you inspire me to be a worse person
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
