The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
BRING THE BAGELS
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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