It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
