you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
