Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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