I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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