i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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