did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
