your thong is hanging out like whoa
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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