remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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