He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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