I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
