Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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