Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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