The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
