Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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