Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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