are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
