I faked an abortion last night.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
