Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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