Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
