If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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