I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
