I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm just crazy horny about you
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
