every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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