I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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