Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
