4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
