If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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