hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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