Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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