I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
