What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
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