My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
