it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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