Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
