I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
