so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
