I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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