u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
