and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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