Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
