I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
did you just send me my own nude
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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