You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
