So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
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I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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