I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
