dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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