I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
