Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
