Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
