I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
