I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
