allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
