mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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