I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
